Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You can't just leave with hair like that
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
