May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
