how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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