Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
