Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
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