I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
