Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
