Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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