My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
