proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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