you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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