Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
