i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
