im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
