New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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