the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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