i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
