I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
