I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
