You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
