I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Text me some of your sweat
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
