sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
