hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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