We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
