I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
