why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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