Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
