Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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