That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
