my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
only if we run a train.
done.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
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The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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