i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
