woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize