i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
