Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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