my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Congratulations! We have a period
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