it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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