I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
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well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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