Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
