Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
