Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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