Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
