Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
