I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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