you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
