my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
