We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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