this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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