So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You can't just leave with hair like that
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
