I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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