i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my shit smells like andre
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
