uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
