she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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