Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
