Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
