he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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