Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Will exercising make me less horny?
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