Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
