i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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