I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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