he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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